I stood on the balcony over looking the ocean and my gut twisted so intensely I nearly doubled over as if a violent blow had been received. It was death. A part of me died that moment and instantly tears were in my eyes. I’m choosing this death. It was a moment of decision between two desires. I said “yes” to one and my heart cried out in grief as I died to the other. There was no room for both.
Earlier that morning, an opportunity I had longed for presented itself. For years I had talked, dreamed and cried for a chance to lead a non-profit organization and now it was mine! I could have it! I could do it! All my work experience and education and passion would make me an excellent director. I could use my skills, I could grow professionally. I would have a broad influence and instant platform. Joy in my heart swelled and electricity zipped through my skin.
Then, I remembered homeschooling. My four children and my choice to keep them at home and teach them myself. It took ALL my time, discipline and energy to get through a school year. The reality began to simmer in my soul.
I could not do both.
“Yes” to homeschooling another year would cost me this opportunity.
I walked outside, my decision made, and I grieved the death. The death of self-importance, of public approval and feeling significant. The glitter of it all came tumbling down.
“Yes” to homeschooling. “Yes” to something quieter, “yes” to something less glamorous, less public, less visible.
It’s unexplainable, it’s quiet, like intuition, a little core inside me that values homeschooling more than my craving for public search accomplishment. Homeschooling is a convergence of all my deeply held values. Now, I have tasted both the joy and the sorrow of my choice.
Everyone who has a value-driven home dies a death to something. There are competing opportunities. There are more glamorous and lucrative positions available, but we must wrestle past the glitter and grieve it to say “yes” to our deeper values and the eternal investment in our children and families.
What have you sacrificed in order to be a stay-at-home mom, a great parent or homeschooler?